A friend of mine recently moved from Austin to Boston, leaving behind a vibrant social life. She just posted this Facebook status:
“I have a hole in my heart the size of Texas.”
Awwwwwww … 120 likes, loves, and sad faces so far. A stream of comments to the following effect:
“We love you!”
“We’ll miss you too!”
“Come back soon!”
“Good luck on your next adventure!”
You know – appropriate stuff. Polite, decorous, expected, heartfelt, unironic responses.
What does my fucked-up mind serve up as a possible response?
“There’s worse places on your body to have a hole the size of Texas.”
Did I post that? Nope. Sorry to disappoint. She would have gotten it and thought it was funny, but that comment thread was very much mixed company – that is to say, people who get/like dirty jokes and those who don’t – and I would have been a very big turd in that punchbowl.
To compensate, here are some times I actually did post the thing I was thinking:
STATUS: “I pierced my hoo-ha!”
MY RESPONSE: “I told you to watch your step on slippery floors.”
STATUS: “My next nephew will also be a BOY! Time for Uncle Joey to step up his game!”
MY RESPONSE: “All my nephews are girls.”
I mean, come on … if you don’t want me to knock ’em down, why set ’em up?
Who else actively tries to make their friends’ Facebook feeds more exciting?
PAUL GREENAMYER 