I can’t function in polite society – at least not on Social Media

A friend of mine recently moved from Austin to Boston, leaving behind a vibrant social life.  She just posted this Facebook status:


“I have a hole in my heart the size of Texas.”


Awwwwwww … 120 likes, loves, and sad faces so far.  A stream of comments to the following effect:


“We love you!”

“We’ll miss you too!”

“Come back soon!”

“Good luck on your next adventure!”


You know – appropriate stuff.  Polite, decorous, expected, heartfelt, unironic responses.

What does my fucked-up mind serve up as a possible response?


“There’s worse places on your body to have a hole the size of Texas.”


Did I post that?  Nope.  Sorry to disappoint.  She would have gotten it and thought it was funny, but that comment thread was very much mixed company – that is to say, people who get/like dirty jokes and those who don’t – and I would have been a very big turd in that punchbowl.

To compensate, here are some times I actually did post the thing I was thinking:

STATUS: “I pierced my hoo-ha!”

MY RESPONSE:  “I told you to watch your step on slippery floors.”

STATUS: “My next nephew will also be a BOY!  Time for Uncle Joey to step up his game!”

MY RESPONSE: “All my nephews are girls.”


I mean, come on … if you don’t want me to knock ’em down, why set ’em up?

Who else actively tries to make their friends’ Facebook feeds more exciting?


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